There’s no time like the present to seize the day
To embrace the past
And to hope and pray that the bad stuff is over
That the universe has moved
And only good things are in store
December 2021 marked one of the worst months I’ve had in my lifetime. Here are the highlights: my car was totaled because someone ran a red light and crashed into me. My cat had cancer so I had to put him down. The new car I bought got a flat tire one day after I bought it.
Is this a coincidence or did I do something? I’m not a super superstitious person, but when this many unfortunate things pile up it makes you wonder.
I’ve also been withdrawn from people and from the things I love, namely writing. Every time I tried to write something my mind went blank.
Well, I’m turning over a new leaf (finally). Yesterday marked me finally diving back into my writing. I said I wanted to be published one day, so I have to get to writing again.
I can’t help but hope that whatever bad things I’ve done, I have atoned for them.
When things are over
Time does tell
The last song is in the air
All we have left
Shattered like glass
No one to care
Before you go
Find me because I have the secret
The one you asked me to keep
The leaves fall without resistance
Perhaps they know their destiny
Is to be fleeting
The transition to a new year
Night shifts are quieter
Less hustle
And stress
But more isolation
Being awake while everyone
Else sleeps
We go together like the waves
Caress the sands
The Moon replaces the sun
The Wind in the trees
You and me are intertwined
And always be
No matter how far apart
What is the value of a life?
And who decides?
Who has the RIGHT to decide?
As I drove to my second 12 hour night shift I had some thoughts.
My life is going a bit differently than I thought or wanted at this point. I guess I have accomplished my main goals. I’m finally an ICU nurse and making money. However, getting back into the working life has been a struggle. Because I went to an ICU I had months of orientation and additional classes, the only difference from school being I was getting paid for class!
Orientation finally ends next week. I cycle between feeling ready-ish and not wanting to come off orientation. I still have so many questions all the time and it’s comforting to have my preceptor to answer them. Once I’m on my own I won’t have someone double checking what I’m doing and making sure that I am seeing the new orders or when the patient is decompensating.
My feelings towards work are mixed. Yes I need to have a job and work after not having work or an income for two years. However originally I saw nursing as the perfect amalgamation of what I wanted. I wanted a job that I could pick my schedule and take multiple days off easily without needing much leave. I also wanted to have more time to write. I haven’t done either yet. I haven’t been able to pick my schedule yet because I’m on orientation and I haven’t been writing. I make excuses like when I was studying for my licensing exam I had to focus on passing that. Then after I passed I took several vacations to celebrate and take advantage of pre-work life. Then I started working and classes were a lot so we’re the shifts so I didn’t write. Now classes have ended for the most part and I’m almost off orientation.
Is now the time to pull out my novel and start working on it again? Haven’t I always wanted to be an author and get published?
Work is super stressful. I’ve cried a few days because of the stress and feeling like I’m not living up to my expectations. I’m terrified of killing someone or of my patient going downhills and not knowing what to do.
I also always wanted to help people – the classic answer of why did you go into healthcare/become a nurse.
I want to make a difference, but I’m just one person so I can only do so much. And I know I am. So I’ve accomplished that for the most part.
All that’s left is gathering my energy and getting back into writing.
I’m worried that maybe I choose wrong and 12 hour shifts drain my energy too much. Only time will tell.
I apologize for the long rant. My first step will be to write more poetry in my blog for a start. Then I will carve out time to get back into writing.
November brings the changing of leaves
New season
New time
New me
Creative Living 