I wrote like millions of poems about it, but sometimes it’s better to appologize with words. I’m really sorry for all the depressing poems lately, and how they are all focused on relationships.
But before I talk more about that, I want to say thanks to everyone who reads my blog. Whenever someone likes a post, I like to think it means that person is saying “I understand.” Sometimes I write poems about feelings and experiences that I haven’t gone through or am not experiencing. That’s not the case at the moment.
Recently, I experienced a new and horrible type of loss: losing someone who I loved and who loved me. I experienced the feeling when you realize that the past passion and love is just that: in the past. It’s made me realize several things. Most importantly it made me realize that that person was a huge part of my life. That seems like it should be obvious, but somehow it wasn’t. I was always so focused on my own goals and doing well in school and my work and things I wanted, that I didn’t realize I already had half of what I wanted. I was in a loving relationship. I was loved.
Yes, doing well in school and work is important, but your significant other is just as important, especially when it’s a serious relationship. I didn’t understand that. I didn’t treat my relationship as a serious relationship. This resulted in a bad cycle, where the relationship would be good for a few weeks, but then we would be fighting over nothing. I would be irritable, and wouldn’t make time to hang out. I would just get so focused on what I needed, I would forget I had someone who loved me and wanted to build a life with me. It’s sad irony that I was thinking we were going to build a life together at the end. By the time I had consciously realized what I wanted, it was too late. And, well here I am.
I wish that I could go back and redo things, but I don’t know if I’ve changed enough, or at all. I know I will still get overly focused on my school stuff and on work. I will get stressed out. I might forget what I want – that I wanted the relationship to lead to marriage. People told me I was too young to want that, and I told myself I wasn’t ready for commitment, that I was too young. And I guess I was. I certainly wasn’t taking the relationship seriously enough. Anyway, all that stuff aside, you can’t change in a few days, and you can’t erase past mistakes no matter how hard you try. The bad memories taint the good memories. At the end, I had to accept that he was only happy 50% of the time in our relationship. And that’s not a good relationship. He didn’t deserve that, and I didn’t deserve that. So here I am.
On a lighter note, I also have realized that most of the songs I listen to are about relationships. And let me tell you it really sucks. I always listen to music, I even put on my earbuds when I know I’m not going to be wearing them for more than a minute or so before I need to take them out. For the past few days I’ve taken to wearing my sunglasses as much as possible. I find myself just walking aimlessly around, listening to my music and crying. Pretty pathetic I think. Well, we all have to do what we have to do. Right?
Luckily, I have a vacaction coming up and don’t start my next class for over a week. I get a much needed break from all the work stress and from the school stress. I almost cancelled the vacation, but I figured I’ll be sad anyway, so I might as well be somewhere with a bunch of distractions.
Anyway, in a nutshell I wrote out my thoughts and feelings over the last few days. I don’t understand why it’s easier to post my thoughts and personal things on my blog instead of talking about them with someone who cares about me or is invovled in my situation. I don’t know what that says about me. Probably nothing good. Maybe it means that I’m a coward? Maybe that I’m not mature enough or articulate enough when it matters? Because when it does matter, I never can say what I mean to say. (I noticed as I wrote it that the last sentence is part of lyrics to a song about a relationship. Ironic.)Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of talents, I know I’m a good person, but going through all this has made me face all my flaws. So, that’s what I’m focused on now.
I appologize for my babbling, and I appologize for needing to write all this stuff on my blog rather than talk about it with you (I honestly hope you didn’t read this). However, it hurts too much to talk about because I think it’s too late for any of this stuff to matter or for things to be fixed. You don’t feel the same way about me. And that’s okay. I have to accept that and move on. Unfortunately, I haven’t yet. But I will.
I’ll end this long ramble by thanking everyone for reading my blog, appologizing for the depressing stuff today and for the next week or so, and by saying I hope you all have a nice day. It’s going to be hot, but at least the sun is shining.