Sister. What does that word mean to you? Or even what does that person mean to you? And then there are the variations, younger sister, older sister, twin sister. Are they the same or different? In any case, no matter what version of sister crossed your mind what is the meaning of that concept or person? Is she your best friend or just a friend? Is she your confidant or is she just family? Is she just someone you know but aren’t close to? And finally, is she someone you’re trying to be close to? For me, it is the last one or was the last one. This post isn’t like many other posts I have posted, it is not about my younger sister. It is about my older one.
I have never been really close with my older sister. Often growing up I didn’t want to be, or maybe I did but was too scared to try it. Now, however, after losing one sister already, after (stupidly?) believing family is what counts, they will always be there for you, that is what I have been working towards.
Now the challenge to this. What I heard and still hear the most from her is “you’re embarrassing me”, or “you’re annoying me”. I have worked hard to do neither, and it was working… until last night.
I’ll set the scene:
You are going to a concert with your sister. You learn last minute you are meeting up with some of her friends. That’s okay. It’ll be nice to hang out with her and her friends even
though she usually finds you annoying when you are in a group of people. But it will be fun. It’s great that she thinks it’ll be fine bringing you to hang out with her friends.
Now, with the anxieties already present, imagine what happens when you add alcohol to the mix? And it wasn’t just two people it was over 20 other people, some of who the sister is close to, and the majority even she doesn’t know. And don’t forget to add the boyfriend.
So there you are, trying to socialize and ‘not embarrass’ the sister. But then there’s the drinking. It’s fun to drink. Once in a while it’s nice to get drunk. But oh wait, the sister isn’t going to drink. You don’t think it’s a big deal, it’s going to be fine… or is it?
You dance. You sing. You have fun. You talk with her friends. Your sister dances with her boyfriend. The girls split off to pee. The sister has yelled at you a few times, you want to cry but you don’t. Instead you talk with one of the sister’s friends. “She always gets mad at me”. “That’s okay, that’s what sisters are like” she says. On the walk back to the concert the sister pulls you aside “these are my friends” she says. You understand not to talk about her anymore.
You go back to dancing. The night is young. It’s a full moon. You’re bored so you go and dance with the sisters friends while she dances with the boyfriend. You are having fun, you are laughing and talking with the other girls who are just as drunk as you are.
But then the sister pulls you aside and says stay next to me. You say okay and dance next to her and her boyfriend.
However, something changes. The night, which started out good, ends in tears and isolation. It’s been so long since you’ve felt that defeated and low. The person you look up to, you used to want to be, has shoved you into a hole and buried you. You want to take an uber, anything. But you can’t. You have to ride back with her and the boyfriend.
You can’t stop crying. Alcohol is a depressant. You know this. But you also know that it can make you feel happy, but to a fault. The entire night is ruined. The sister refuses to apologize for yelling, for being mean for a lot of the night. Then you state all you wanted to do was be friends. But then that you are done. You are done trying to be friends. And it hurts so much. You don’t want to stop trying. But no one has ever made you feel this bad before.
Then it’s the next day. It feels awkward. You’re still upset. You still have concerts planned with the sister. In the car they were talking about not wanting to go to the next one. You wonder if it was because of you. You want to talk with the sister, but don’t know what to say. You don’t know what to say.
Your sister hurt you, but you still want to be included. You still love her. But she hurts you a lot, she smashed your confidence. She calls you annoying. Maybe you are, but you have studied people closely and you can usually tell when it’s time to stfu. People enjoyed talking with you. You know it. But you have so many doubts now.
One of the only ways you can maybe make it better is to apologize for being wrong. for being embarrassing. But you have nothing to apologize for. You don’t think you do at least. You were just having fun. She is the one who didn’t need to yell, to demoralize, to hurt you. Maybe you were a little annoying, but what drunk person isn’t annoying?
You want to be friends with your sister. The thing is at what point is it too much to take? You are not made of iron. You have been hurt too many times to count. Your sister has contributed to that. But that has made you strong.
You are strong. You are smart. You are kind. You are beautiful. Your sister only sees the flaws. You need to find friends who see the good. Your sister doesn’t look out for you. You have to look out for yourself.